Love of skiing, Love of Studying!

Isn't a funny thought that just yesterday I was marveling about how fun it would be, once it snowed, to go ski, play in the snow, and wear comfy clothes with no excuse needed, but that it was cold out. And thinking about how winter was not even a thing the past few years. That it literally only snowed on Christmas last year and that I missed the fun of winter. The darkness and the cold were not worth it unless it snowed. How I wished that it would, but that it was yet to happen and hoped that it would. But, as I began to get ready this morning, I looked out our french doors, and bam, hello snow, it's nice to meet ya! Stay awhile will you? So I can ski the winter away and have an excuse for plenty of fun ski trips. I think that it will be the funnest of winters I've had! I honestly cannot wait to don my ski pants, jacket and boots, ride the shuttle up to the top, get on the lift, and glide down the mountain, only to go all the way up again and have the time of my life, on my beautiful skies. Bought last season, but never used, and also, to buy a new pair of snow pants. I honestly cannot think of a better way to spend my winter. I don't think there is a way to spend a winter, other than to ski the day away, then ski the night away, return exhausted, and then do it all over again. Why not spend Christmas break in this way? I mean, don't mind if I do.
Whether with other people, or alone, I have no doubt that it will be the best way to spend my winter and avoid cabin fever, because winter is cold and painful and I do not desire it. Unless I can maintain my workouts and expend energy, winter becomes more of a fear than a joy. Christmas season comes and goes, and I'm left to another three months of darkness. And then spring decides to show up for a minute, while pushing through to survive until break, and then until finals and a three month break for vacation, though the extent of my vacation is literally like three or four counties. Talk about boring! But it is a much needed break. Something fun to do instead of absolutely nothing. Endless books, tests, reading, study, so much school it could make your head spin, but somehow, at the end of the year, after so much hard work, dedication, perseverance, and a few sleepless nights, I receive the satisfaction of knowing I did it for another year. I conquered myself, my fears, my heartache, and my pain. And I did it in school, where I truly do learn something new everyday, if only that I must go learn for myself, for the teacher cannot teach me. I must teach myself, and in doing so, learn to teach others.

Thoughts from Thursday

Today is Thursday and surprising it has been a very good day. I was up until about four am writing my research journal for English 1010 and I somehow convinced myself to finish it though I was nearly dead and not exactly able to read super fast and comprehending the whole thing. Oddly enough I did a decent job on it and was able to turn it in and receive credit. It was among my worst jobs on a paper. Ill prepared, citing the same source three times, and not doing as well as I could have or normally would have, had I tried. I suppose I will do my best to be a kind person, learn what I can, and truly apply myself in college so as to avoid a job I hate, stupidity, and regret. I am honestly more afraid of regret than I am of failing, because every chance I take, whether I perform perfectly or not, is a time where I can learn and grow and become more of who I want to. I am proud of myself for finishing it. Glad that I could do my best work for four am. Even  if it meant only four hours of sleep, completely missing class, and losing sleep. I suppose my professor is more forgiving than I realized unlike what I previously thought. I have never felt so good about doing so bad. She gave me many pointers and I am proud to say that I started to apply them to my writing and assignment as soon as I reached the library. Am glad to be in a university and school where second chances are allowed and where I can improve so much, gain so much, and learn to be better than I ever thought possible. Glad am I for the lessons I have learned and the things I have been taught. Though not my best paper, I am sure that from now on, I will be able to do what I must. I have redone the paper and done her assigned class readings. I understand now, thank you to her for her help.

Well, here I sit, in a library room, full of people. And they are all focused, all studying, on a Friday morning. Why you may ask? Well perhaps if they study a lot today, there'll be no need to study over the weekend.
Perhaps for them, to hustle during the week, with work, school, life, and other hard things, is to find the freedom to do what they will over the weekend. It is true, that is their purpose, as it is mine.

What I'm really afraid of is entitlement. They say our generation has issues with entitlement and I'm afraid of that. That maybe I am part of that. And what if I am? What if I'm unable to do something better for the world. What if I become someone I never wanted to become and don't do what I really want to do? Or rather, I don't do what I'm really meant to do?

But, what if it truly is not an issue, and I just need to continue to work hard and not worry about what others say about my generation? The more you prove yourself, the more others see your sincere work ethic, goals, and kindness.

COLLEGE IS SCARY!!!

Perhaps to motivate myself, perhaps not. Well, I attended my first actual college class this month. I have always had this insane, nearly paralyzing fear of college. I had not double checked on my courses, so on the first day back for Christmas break, I was not expecting to attend my college classes. I searched for where they were the morning before, and printed off the schedule, but it did not show the class number. This led to issues as I tried to find where my class was. I spent near half an hour trying to find it online, connecting to data and looking for the building it was in. I also considered cutting class and not going that day. I finally figured out where it was, walked up a flight of stairs, approached the door to the class, smoothed my outfit and started to walk in. I was terrified. There sat thirty other people in the classroom, all at least two years older than I. I could not find an empty seat. The only person to smile at me was a woman that was probably in her forties. Who knows, maybe even with a couple kids. I found an empty seat and sat down. It took a minute for me to focus, as it was so intimidating, but, then, I thought, "they are probably not any smarter than me, more capable or more worthy of this than I am. Why am I so scared? They have no idea how young I am and I am supposed to be here." So, I relaxed, began taking notes and talked to the professor at the end about my being late like it was no big deal. I realized how much my mind literally determines what I will do, who I will become, and what "chances" I will be willing to take. So, I have not missed class since, have learned a lot, and have gotten past my feeling of inferiority due to age. So I suppose I enjoy the few actual college classes I have. College is cool, not intimidating. So many different types of people, all pursuing different goals, all hoping to fufill their dreams, at any age, and why should I be restricted from that?

Age truly is just a number. Chase your dreams!

A Political Converstation With My Mom

On Friday afternoon at around four, my mom and I arrived home. It was a good but long day up to that point. I thought she would drop me off and head back to the family business. As usual, she ate some food and headed to leave, but then we started to talk about politics, about the country, our state, my classes, and the politicians that impact our lives, about the policies they change and other things they do.
I found the conversation kind of annoying at first. I was thinking why would I want to listen to my mom, I already know what she has to say..it's not going to be anything new. As the conversation started, I felt my attention drifting, wanting to go on my phone and other things. I had no desire to listen to her. But, as she talked and I shared my opinions about different things and how my perspectives have changed over the years and the fact that these things really do matter and that I had seen their consequences. That I was noticing more how these things really impact the world. Then she told me that my view may be distorted. That I didn't really know about these other places like I thought. That it is not all rosy like it sometimes seems. That things can be dark and awful. That there's always another side to the story. As we talked, I gained increased respect for her and her views and values that I had taken for granted. That she really knows what she's doing and thinks more then she will ever let on. Also, that more than ever before that I must stand up for these values, more than I have ever in the past. As she left nearly an hour and a half later, I was left to think. About my mother and I. I realize very rarely how I sometimes, not very often, will simply ignore what someone says. Usually family members, I can't say specifically why, but sometimes when a family member is talking, a switch is flipped, and my attention dies. I have seen this happen only twice, but when it does, I make sure to keep my own attention on them even more, because I value what they say and who they are. Because, they are able to be the most candid with me. To share their exact thoughts with less judgement than anyone else.
To share their thinking.
As I had that discussion with my mother and realized all of this, I also realized how much I analyzed things more than I used to. How I censor what other people say to decide if it is true or a lie. To decide if what they share is worth my time and thought. If what they are saying is honestly from them or from another person, without any thought. So I suppose this was a lesson on thought and people for me. And how distracting your own opinions and pride can be. And most importantly that you must pay attention to the people that matter. Those in your family and the friends around you and what they think and say. Because, they can teach you lessons that matter more importantly than anyone else, and also that they may share their character and teach you a lesson without even knowing it.

Observation, Reflection, Continuous Learning.

A train. As I move towards the exit, anticipating my stop, I see a man. He is on the phone with someone discussing a Christmas gift for his children. He seems a little disturbed and stressed out. I wonder what the stress is over.
           Some worn out jeans, a bright yellow construction worker vest, and some muddy boots. These are what a middle aged man wears. He sits on the corner bench of the train, away from everyone else. He holds a phone in his hand. The cheapest kind. He is talking to someone else on the other end. A new home for his kids for Christmas. He says that he cannot because of a lack of money.
           Initially, I would have thought less of him based on his outfit, but realized how judgmental and terrible that really was. He was doing the best he could, wishing, but being unable to purchase a new home for his kids. He sounded sort of devastated by that fact, disappointed in himself. However, after my realization, I felt that he was doing the best that he could. That he was trying his hardest and that if his kids would have heard him say that they would be grateful to their father for caring for them and that he was hoping to buy them a house to live in once he had some money.